HHP4u11

ever get the feeling that someone else is living your dream life?

i feel so so so weird right now.

jimmy in apriiiiiiiiiiillllllll and spring break cannot come soon enough.

i waited two months for that.

i needed it so much.

now things can be okay finally i think.

im glad you have a heart again.

youre finally the person i remember.




how bittersweet.

memorize this feeling. i doubt there's anything else like it.

im sick of being drawn back in to feeling like crap. its senior week and i just want to have fun. but for me and nic, thats just not happening.

taking you off of my myspace and facebook was not a stab at you bryce. it wasnt done out of anger. it wasnt done to piss you off or make you feel bad. if anything it was a defense mechanism. you broke my heart. im being completely honest here. you broke my heart and i feel like everytime i come online something gets thrown in my face. i either see you talking about how great your life is without me or i see pictures of you and other girls. all of that makes me feel really bad about myself. especially because im trying really hard to be mature and not be sad anymore.

yes i have new and fun things and people in my life but im trying not to flaunt it all over to make you feel bad. so to take you off was done solely to make me feel better. i didnt even think youd notice to be perfectly honest. i was just sick of feeling like crap all the time.

it shouldnt even matter though. its not like youre trying to stay friends or even on good terms. you wont even talk to me. so if its that big of a deal to you then add me back. but just know that it wasnt a stab at you. because i would never purposely go out of my way to hurt you.

ive tried really hard to do just the opposite.

things i have learned so far:

-outside is better than inside nearly 100 percent of the time
-you can only count on you (and maybe a few others)
-growing up kinda sucks, but it kinda doesnt suck also
-boys definitely suck. but once in a while you'll find one who really means it when he says he cares about you.
-no responsibilities equals wonderful
-to be happy in life, you have to do things for yourself as well. not just for everyone else.
-you REALLY shouldnt care about what anyone else thinks, but you still have to be considerate.
-life is way too short
-being a little BAMF once in a while probably wont kill you
-kate britt meag kiley and a couple other people are awesome
-thinking about your future is fun, but you should never plan it all out
-family is very important
-standing up for yourself and your morals is very important
-if you forget about who you are you need to remind yourself or you'll get lost
-we'll never ever understand everything we want to
-getting hurt will happen. but wounds heal.
-dont ever forget about your old friends. you dont always get lucky enough to have a second chance with them.
-i love you.

i feel so mixed up right now. i feel like i couldve avoided a lot of the pain ive felt lately. i feel like the people who cared about me dont anymore. and i feel like thats my fault. i feel like im talking to a stranger. i feel like im not worthy of feeling happy anymore. i feel like everything is going so so wrong.

they say its wrong to want to be together anymore, but is it wrong to miss the memories? sometimes im lame and i wonder what he thinks about. if he remembers the way things were. how nice things were... going to nathan's birthday, that trip on the boat, the ferry ride to new york, snow and holidays, the good things you know?

i worry so much that he can only remember the bad things. the things we said to each other, everything that happened towards the end. i dont want him to have only bad memories of me. because theres so much more. prom, and stealth, and our first kiss wearing pink pajamas. i wish those things still mattered. but they probably dont.

how do things get so complicated so fast? i want to go back in time. just so i can be completely happy again. because things arent right anymore. everything has just been spiraling for me lately. one awful thing after another.

i dont want to be forgotten or hated. i dont want him to tell people about what a bad girlfriend i was. there were so many things he told me about his exes. all the things they did. i used to laugh and say "wow if we ever break up you have to promise not to tell your next girlfriend anything about me". that wasnt ever serious. now it is. now im one of those girls. another bad memory to joke with people about. thats not what i wanted to be.

i feel like things are so unfinished. its slowly crushing me. all the things he said still hurt. a lot. i want us to be sorry. both of us. then i want things to be fine. but i dont think i can have that. i dont know if ill ever be forgiven. or if it matters to him that my feelings were hurt. i wish he cared about me the same or at least enough to care about how much im hurting. i feel stupid to say that we thought it was forever.

because obviously it wasnt. maybe only i thought it was forever. or we just THOUGHT it was. either way, having someone stop loving you or stop caring at all hurts so much. it all feels fake. like im living a life i used to make fun of. like im overreacting. but i loved him.

i guess thats really all it comes down to in the end. why this all hurts so much. but now i just want to feel better.

just dont forget me.

and dont hate me.

ive yet to write anything about this. it still hurts. his sister sent me a couple of really sweet emails. i wonder if he told her. if not i hope she doesnt hate me when she finds out. i love her too much. i think how close family stuff was has made this tens times harder. i miss ann and wes and everyone so much.

how can that much change happen that fast? it wasnt even gradual. just an explosion of crap. im so afraid to try to talk to him. i know he wont talk to me. i just want my friend back. not anything else. but my friend isnt my friend that i remember. hes a person who hates me. which is something i didnt think could ever happen.

which i guess was part of the problem. we all take things for granted ya know? yesterday was too wonderful i guess and now im paying for it. you hafta come down after feeling so good i guess. i just wish we could at least talk. just talk. clear the air. its weighing down on me too much.

i cant have people hating me. i have never felt such a mix of emotions as i have lately. i kind of disgust myself. and im leaning too hard on the person thats always been there for me. but he'd never tell me that he minds. maybe he really doesnt. thats the kind of person he is i suppose. but still...

and i love kate and meag and britt and kiley. because honestly they are the most understanding ever. and they have put up with a lot from me. i just hope they know i love them for it. and everyone else too.

everyone says ive been strong. but i just feel weird. like my whole entire life has flipped. i guess it has.

its just a bad day thats making me write this. things have been better than ever lately. so much more exciting and cough...bamf lol. i think the not talking is the problem. i may have to accept that that will never be fixed. but thats a shitty thing to accept. uuuuuuuuuuuugh.

and PS. some people are just not good people. maybe ill send that letter as proof. i just dont want to get shot. literally or otherwise.



you could have the best of me...

cant i please press rewind now??

so i got some pretty amazing spectacular christmas presents this year, the best being....an acceptance letter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wooooooooooo. yes folks, maddy's going to college:) my mom didnt give me the mail on saturday when it came so i literally got the letter on Christmas morning:) it was even to my top choice:):):)



let the senioritis commence.

so i did the first sentence from each month thingy. from 05 though. i dunno if thats what i was supposed to do but ive updated like six times this entrie year so that ones really boring. this one's funnier i think.

05
i just want to thank britt and gabby for listening to me cry and rant all night on friday, i really appreciate it. no dance class today....bleh, i kinda wanted to go. going to shannyns at five thirty and then monarchs game at seven im excited! me and my cousin erica and katie went and saw sin city last night it was slightly awesome. Daring, ethusiastic, and spontaneous. last week i went to the aquarium and hung out with court, nate and kaitlin all day. youre invited! well unless youre gwen stefani....or milk. kate my twinny we are finally sixteen!!!!A - Age you got your first kiss: umm what age are you in second grade? hah...cool laura says 8. long survey for a boring weird night. woooooooooooooooooooooooo three day weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....and a lingering us history project. this was the weirdest day ever.

this was 06....minus may june march december october and november. haha.
Fill out the answers for me, and then post this in your own journal so i can answer it for you. Who is the love of my life? right now all i want is jimmy eat world, pajamas, and some gilmore....i'm in manchester at the new hampshire institute of art for some college course type things.

im pretty sure this post doesn't make sense. i'm too lazy to explain it though. i finished my college apps today. well...i have to mail one other essay. but then its all up to the guidance counselor and some teachers. to think....my future is in their hands. haha.

k so first update in ages.

i'm in manchester and the new hampshire institute of art for some college course type things. so this will pretty much be the longest time i've ever spent away from home. its kind of like practice for real college, only not. there are some liability restrictions that keep us out of the streets on our own basically, and with classes and homework there isn't tons of time for sightseeing anyway, not that i feel the need to experience manch-vegas any more than i already have. there are people here from all over, as far as chicago. its nice to meet some new people. twelve days i believe it is. thats right....its drawing its photography and its earning me college credits. nice. i'm actually fairly homesick, because there's no real time for visitors but its nice here. we each have our own dorms...no roommates whatsoever which is pretty nice because i've been on the phone every night chatting it up with the fam or the boy which would probably drive a roommate insane.

i'm psyched for tomorrow...first photo development and first use of charcoal. its been still life sketches over and over and hilarious photo shoots with this crazy camera. i dont know if anyone uses or has used a Holga camera but its the lightest, cheapest, weirdest, camera you'll ever experience. dark room tomorrow:) maybe my wonderful CVS training will come in handy with all the chemicals...but i doubt it.

in addition to the courses we chose to take, in my case drawing and photography, we also take a liberal arts course which earns us the final credit we need to complete the requirements for a college elective. i'm not sure how it pertains to art yet...its more to do with college...well...getting in. we're writing college essays. and while its not the ideal thing i'd pictured myself doing this summer i'm sure i'll feel relieved to at least have the practice, to have been critiqued by completely unbiased sources, and to have something to use as an example or maybe even fall back on when the time comes.

in other news, kate chisholm's birthday is in nineteen days which means mine is too. the big seventeen.

so when i get home its wisdom teeth out, picking a senior picture, finishing my ap bio project and then the summer is mine. :)

i miss my mommy and daddy and katie

and the boy;)

all i have to say is........



























FINALLY






someday i'll learn to listen to jenni and nicole from the BEGINNING. they are always right after all.

ABIGAIL ANN BRUNELLE YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE INSPIRATION

i cannot even remember another time when ive felt more positive or relieved about something.

that us history project was really weighing down on me but its over now:)

bryan FINALLY visited friday and met the friends. i missed him soooo much. it was crazy fun. im not even kidding lol. we showed him super cool merrimack and all the places to hang out....which turned into the school and king kone. a level of pathetic was reached that i had not thought possible. :P

so basically after that i spent time doing all the stuff i didnt have time to do lately. i even got to visit Jean at the nursing home and give her the picture we've been meaning to send her for months. and i registered for SATs and now im registering for summer art programs.

hopefully this feeling lasts.

ill miss it when its gone.

right now all i want is jimmy eat world, pajamas, and some gilmore....

and maybe something else...


i miss you

my name:

Who is the love of my life:

Where did we meet:

Take a stab at my middle name:

How long have you known me:

When is the last time that we saw each other:

Do I smoke:

Do I drink:

When is my birthday:

What was your first impression of upon meeting me:

Do I have any siblings:

What's one of my favorite things to do:

Am I funny:

What's my favorite type of music:

What is the best feature about me:

Am I shy or outgoing:

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:

Do I have any special talents:

Would you consider me a friend/good friend:

Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what):

What is a memory we have once had:

Have you ever hugged me:

Do you miss me...do you think i miss you:

What is my favorite food:

Have you ever had a crush on me:

Am I good in bed:

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:

What's your favorite memory of me:

Who do I like right now:

What is my worst habit:

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring:

Are we friends:

today i realized i have the best friends in the world.

i love you. <3

two proms this year...im down with that :p

i got a hair cut today. its hard to tell because i only got it cut an inch or so but whatevs i like it. i had the car all to myself today. it was fabulous. thank goodness for the weekend. let me just say that it was an amazing end to a really bad week. :)


i love bryan!!!!!!!!!!! (but liz is so much cooler)

Fill out the answers for me, and then post this in your own journal so i can answer it for you.

My name:

Take a stab at my middle name:

Any idea on last name?

How long have you known me?

When is the last time we saw each other?

Do I smoke?

Am a virgin?

Do I believe in God?

Am I suicidal?

When you first saw me what was your impression ?

Month of my Birthday?

Color hair?

Color eyes?

Do I have any siblings?

What's one of my favorite things to do outdoors?

What's one of my favorite things to do indoors?

Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you?

What's my favorite type of music?

What is my favorite band?

Do I play any instruments/sing?

What is the best feature about me?

What is my best physical feature?

Am I shy or outgoing?

Am I hyper or am I lazy?

Would you say I am funny ha-ha or funny sarcastic?

Am I a rebel or do I follow all the rules?

Have I ever stripped for you?

Have I ever flirted with you?

Would you consider me an acquaintance, a friend, or a good friend?

Would you call me hippie, glam, nerdy, something else?

Can you make me really laugh?

Have you ever seen me cry?

Have you ever made me cry?

if you gave me a nick name what would it be?

Would you ever go out with me?

Would you ever Kiss me?

If you have am I any good?

If I was dying what is the last thing you would say to me?

If I died what would you miss about me, if you would at all miss me?

Have I ever helped you to make a life changing decision?

Would you go to my funeral if I died, even if it was ?

Would you be offended or get weird if I wrote poetry about you?

Do you know what my biggest fear is?

If you could change one thing about me what would it be?